Like Billie Eilish said, “I’m the bad guy.” Here’s what to do when you realize you’re destroying your relationship from the inside

Here’s something your friends might not be telling you: you might be the problem. I’ve been there, listening to my friends hype me up over dinner then going home to hear TikTok tell me that “if he wanted to, he would.” Yet, the version of events I told my friends was heavily biased towards myself. And the main thing I want from my partner — or potential partner — is to essentially read my mind. 

Yes, that’s right dear reader, I have an avoidant attachment style. And while I recently saw a stand-up comedian clip where the comedian called avoidant attachment “the cool one,” it doesn’t feel very cool when you’re alone — or on the brink of ruining something good — and you realize you’re the problem.

Before you go into a shame spiral, remember that realization is an essential first step. Sometimes it happens like a lightbulb: you’re in the middle of an argument, and you feel yourself emotionally detaching from your partner. Or you might slowly realize that your standards aren’t just high, but you keep moving the goalpost so no one can possible meet them, and you can act like the victim without ever having to truly invest in a relationship. 

You might be wondering, why I’d purposefully sabotage a good thing. Of course, all of the times I cut people off, ghosted them, or just iced them out were justified. But that’s the thing with avoidant attachment styles — we create the feeling of rejection so we can feel justified in pushing someone away.

Idit Sharoni, LMFT, Miami-based couples therapist and host of the Relationships Uncomplicated podcast, recently told SELF that you might subconsciously perform these “thoughts and behaviors that ruin your chances of a real connection, in an effort to protect yourself.” 

But how is self-sabotage protection? It’s not. But your rational brain isn’t working at times like this. It’s your emotionally wounded brain. “This instinct, which often isn’t intentional, can stem from past trauma, fear of abandonment, or insecurities about not ‘deserving’ healthy love,” Sharoni explains.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Sometimes the biggest threat to your happiness isn’t your partner’s behavior – it’s your own tendency to sabotage something good before it has the chance to hurt you. Perhaps you’re constantly looking for proof that they’re “just like the others,” even when all evidence points to the contrary. Or worse, you might be pushing away someone who genuinely cares about you because their consistency and reliability feel… boring. Suspicious? Too good to be true?

Are you nodding along reluctantly? Are you seeing yourself in these scenarios? Join the avoidant club! When we’ve been hurt before, our brains can go into overdrive trying to protect us from experiencing that pain again. Not to get all Freudian on you, but our relationships with our parents often inform what we look for in our partners. And although we often need the opposite of what we experienced in childhood. For example: if you had absent parents, you may thrive with an attentive partner. But for some reason, we seek to recreate the toxic examples we’re used to.

This is to reassure our brains that our parents actually loved us and that all love should look like the love we know. That’s why it feels uncomfortable to experience something different — even if different is healthier for us. It’s easier to backslide and revert to the comfort of your bad habits. But it will be way more rewarding to put in the work for something that’s a better fit.

Here on Planet 2024, with social media feeds overrun with relationship hot takes, TikTok theories, red flags, and icks, it’s easier than ever to find “proof” that you should run at the first sign of imperfection. Your bestie’s “dump him” group chat might feel supportive, but sometimes well-meaning friends can project their own relationship trauma onto your situation. And let’s face it, we aren’t always 100% honest with the group chat when we’re already planning on pushing someone away.

It might be tough to find the energy to put in the work. You’re itching to be done with the effort entirely and start from scratch. When you get this urge, remember that by trying to protect yourself from hypothetical future pain, you might be missing out on real, present-day joy. That partner who remembers how you like your coffee, who calls when they say they will, who makes an effort to get along with your friends? They might be the real deal. But if you’re stuck in self-sabotage mode, you’ll never give them — or yourself — the chance to find out.

And, if this sounds like an overly romantic way to muse upon it, try this way: if you keep pushing people away, you’ll never know if they were really the wrong partner or if you just convinced yourself they were. And that thought is enough to drive me crazy — Alexa, play “I Think About It All The Time” by Charli XCX.

When you do anything enough, it becomes a habit. The same is true of self-sabotage. Avoidant behavior can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you constantly expect the worst, you might create the very situation you’re afraid of. Your fear of being abandoned might lead you to push someone away so hard that they actually leave — not because they wanted to, but because you gave them no choice.

But here’s the good news: If you’re reading this and cringing because you recognize yourself in these scenarios, you’re already taking the first step toward change. But let’s get beyond the first step.

Remember: a relationship isn’t always happy-feelings-all-the-time. Getting close to someone is scary — for everyone. And when you’re avoidant, it can feel like you’re giving away a piece of yourself. It’s like Chekov’s gun — why would you give someone the power to hurt you? But that doesn’t mean you pull the trigger yourself, though it’s tempting to blow things up before they get the chance. You may imagine that your defense mechanisms are protecting you, but they’re actually keeping you from the fulfilling connection you deserve.

How do you know you’re self-sabotaging?

You’ve recognized that you’re doing it, but do you recognize how? Self-sabotage can be embedded in how you treat partners. You might be creating emotional walls or pushing them away or simply making it tough for anyone to get close to you.  It makes me cringe to admit I’ve done some of these things because they seem so childish. But that’s the point. Generally, these emotional wounds come from your childhood. So you’re not your best self when you’re acting out. You’re a younger version of yourself, crying out to be loved. But to soothe that pain, the answer isn’t replicating the wound. It’s working through the discomfort and letting go of negative behavioral crutches.

Here are some common signs you’re self-sabotaging:

1. “Testing” Someone’s Love

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Especially when I see things like the orange peel theory on TikTok —  someone doesn’t love you unless they peel your orange without you asking. Do you, like me, find yourself playing little games to see if they “really” care? Maybe you bait them into conversations they can’t win — asking about previous relationships or comparing yourself to other people to see what they’ll say. Spoiler alert: These tests aren’t proving their love — they’re pushing them away.

2. Setting Impossible Standards

Sure, having standards is healthy. But if you’re nitpicking every little thing or expecting them to be a mind-reading superhero who anticipates your every need, you might be looking for reasons to bail before things get too real.

3. Never Letting Anyone Close

“I’m not sure about this,” “I don’t know if I’m ready,” “Maybe we’re moving too fast” — sound familiar? While it’s normal to have doubts, constantly threatening to leave or keeping emotional distance is putting your relationship on a permanent maybe. Taking the plunge is the only way to really see if a potential partner matches your needs.

How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy

Ready for the good news? Once you recognize these patterns, you can start changing them. Here’s your game plan:

1. Try Shadow Work

Journalling is often about your current life and your surface-level emotions. Perhaps a little manifestation thrown in. But to get to the root of your issues, you must face what’s called your “shadow self.” Use journaling to do shadow work, which is confronting the darker sides of yourself — the deep, scared parts of you that remain hidden but influence so much of what you do. Ask yourself hard questions and get to the root of them: “Why am I afraid of rejection?” “What do I think it will say about me?” “Who am I afraid to let myself be?” “What was my first memory of pushing someone away?” 

Tapping into fear is especially important here. Get really honest with yourself about what you’re afraid of. Are you afraid of being vulnerable? Abandonment? Being hurt? Simply naming these fears can help reduce their power over you. Seeing them in black and white can make them less overwhelming.

2. Know Your Triggers

When you feel those self-sabotaging urges coming on — you know, you’re about to pick a fight about nothing or ghost them for a day — pause. Ask yourself: “What am I really feeling right now?” Then, instead of acting on impulse, try getting yourself out of that headspace. Take a walk, do some deep breathing. Get back into your body and out of the fight-or-flight pattern that wants to act rashly and cut bait.

3. Be Honest

With yourself and your partner. When you’re feeling insecure or scared, say it out loud: “Hey, I’m feeling really vulnerable right now and my instinct is to push you away. Can we talk about it?” It’s scary, but it’s way better than acting out those feelings in harmful ways.

4. Accept the Happy Ending

This is perhaps the hardest part. If you’re used to relationships ending badly, it can feel weird — even wrong — when things are going well. Practice sitting with the discomfort of things being good. You deserve it.

5. At a Certain Point, Seek Professional Guidance

Sometimes, our self-sabotaging patterns are too deep-rooted to tackle alone — and that’s okay. 

Consider therapy if:

– You find yourself repeating the same destructive patterns in every relationship

– Your anxiety about the relationship is affecting your daily life

– You can’t stop self-sabotaging behaviors even when you recognize them

– Past trauma is significantly impacting your current relationship

Whatever your situation, breaking self-sabotaging patterns isn’t easy. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion. Your past experiences might have taught you to expect the worst. But ask yourself: what if everything worked out? It might not, but you deserve to give it the chance.