by Dezi Hall

I’m just going to say it. If you’re a self-described “nice guy,” you probably suck. I can see you already writing me off as one of those “shallow” girls who just can’t control herself around an emotionally unavailable fuckboy. But just hear me out. (Although if you’re a “nice guy” hearing girls out probably isn’t your favorite thing to do.)

I’ve seen tons of horrible posts floating around on the internet espousing how women need to practice self-care and stop going for a-holes and instead give those poor ol nice guys they been friendzoning a chance. I myself have been accused of putting guys in the friendzone too many times to count.

But aw shucks, gentlemen, here’s the little (big) lie society has been covering up: there’s no such thing as a friendzone. There is simply the fact that someone does not want to have sex with you. This is neither a punishment nor something you can debate or whine your way out of. This is fact.

No thanks, dude. Getty Images

Sometimes a woman will not want to have sex with a certain man. Let me say it once more for the cheap seats in the back: Sometimes… a woman- made up of her own feelings, preferences and emotions- will choose not to engage in intercourse with a man no matter how many times he compliments her.

I’ll give you a minute.

But wait, you say. You’re nice. Doesn’t this mean you deserve to have any girl you want as long as you don’t blow her off and say her butt looks fat? No. Why not? Because that is not how interactions with real human beings work.

Women have understood this since forever. If a guy doesn’t like me back, my first thought is usually something like, Oh, that sucks. It isn’t, BUT I’M A GOOD GIRL. I OFFERED TO MAKE HIM DINNER. HE MUST JUST LIKE SL*TS THAT DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE CHICKEN PARM. WHAT A SHALLOW A**HOLE!

Just… no. Getty Images

The guys that are truly nice guys (let just call them… normal human beings) understand this. It’s the men that cling desperately to their own “nice guy” label that somehow seem to always forget this. It doesn’t matter how many times you hold doors open for women or how many “you get home ok?” texts you send a girl, if the second she rebukes your advances you call her a b*tch behind her back. You can insist you are a nice guy all you want, but the more insistent you are, the more likely you are the real problem.

I have told plenty of guys that I thought were genuinely my friends that I’d like to keep our relationship the way it was. A mind-blowing number of these guys then told me how self-destructive I was for not seizing my opportunity to be with such a charmingly demanding egocentric baby like them. They insisted I must just like bad boys. Again, not the case. I actually like real nice guys. You know, the kind of guy who would never call himself a nice guy because, well, that seems creepy and weird.

If a girl doesn’t like you, that doesn’t automatically mean she doesn’t like nice guys. It means she doesn’t like you. Apologies for shattering your self-ascribed identity, but Daniel, John, Scott, Travis, Jake… I actually married a real nice guy. And guess what? I have never ever in my life heard him call himself a nice guy.

Here’s the thing. Pretending to be a girl’s friend all the while secretly plotting how you can convince her to have sex with you doesn’t sound like a nice thing to do, does it? But what if you’re really in love?! Well, then tell her immediately and accept her answer either way. Repeat that last part to yourself. The accepting the answer part. That’s the real crucial thing here, guys. Side note: you’re telling a woman she’s a self-destructive monster because she’s pining after guys that want nothing to do with her. Ask yourself if you switch the genders if this feels familiar. Is it possible that you are doing the exact same thing you’re accusing these women of doing? Perhaps you should practice some self-care, gentlemen.

Before you go around calling yourself a nice guy, just think about whether your actions are nice, or if maybe you just don’t like wearing leather jackets and riding motorcycles. I promise you they aren’t the same thing.

Sexy, but maybe he has a heart of gold. Getty Images