Read This When You Need a Win

Don’t let the shame spiral win — Here’s how to self-soothe when things don’t go your way

I try to stay positive. I have a sticky note on my mirror that says “lucky.” It’s my attempt at channeling Lucky Girl Syndrome. This is the premise that if you act like you’re the luckiest girl in the world and expect (but don’t feel entitled about — it’s a tricky balance) good things to come your way, the universe will give them to you. Often, it works out! Just last week, I found a twenty euro bill (who even uses cash anymore?) on a deserted cobblestone street in Paris. I have achieved major milestones this year. And I found a really sick coat on sale at the thrift store at the very beginning of fall.

When things like this happen, it’s easy to believe my morning affirmation that I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Some might say it’s a perspective thing, that I don’t choose to remember when my trains get canceled or when someone lets me down. But I say, you get what you attract. Yet … that’s a tougher pill to swallow when things don’t go my way.

By the same logic, does it mean I deserve the bad things that come to me? It can be easy to fall into this pattern of thinking when things start going wrong. Instead of feeling like the luckiest girl in the world, I feel like I’m on a losing streak and all I need is a win.

My therapist would say that as a high-achieving child, when I experience a setback or things don’t instantly go my way, my response is to spiral. And it turns out I’m not the only one. Many of us spin out when we experience failure, a setback, or a really tough obstacle. 

“Pretty much everyone is going to experience failure,” Dr Jenny Wang, PhD, a licensed psychologist based in Houston, told SELF. “It’s not about avoiding failure altogether … It’s about recognizing that setbacks happen—and they aren’t reflections of your worth.”

Whether it’s a promotion you didn’t get after preparing for months, a relationship that ended despite your best efforts, or a creative project that fell flat — leaving you feeling talentless, useless, or whatever negative attributes you pin on yourself like a scarlet letter whenever anything goes wrong. A setback can be debilitating. Suddenly you’re falling into bad habits like ordering takeout for the third night in a row, scrolling through social media to numb your mind, and wondering if you should just give up and move to a cabin in the woods. But be honest with yourself, what will that help?

This feels worse when, during your doomscrolling, you’re inundated with everyone else’s success. This one just bought a house. This one just launched a business. Even the person showing off the ceramics they made in a beginner’s class stings when you’re in the middle of a shame spiral. Normally I celebrate my friend’s wins, but when I get in this mindset everything feels like a personal attack. So you can see why I want to get out of it ASAP. But then I feel worse for not being able to snap out of it…. It’s a cycle, it’s a spiral, it’s horrible.

Living in an era when everyone’s highlight reel is constantly on display, makes personal setbacks more isolating — and even more shameful. That overwhelming feeling isn’t merely emotional — it’s biological. Your brain processes social rejection and professional failures in the same regions that process physical pain. And since we’re social creatures, of course we’re wired to view rejection and setbacks as expressions of our (lack of) value.

This explains why you might find yourself playing that awkward client presentation or cringe-worthy date moment on repeat. Your brain is trying to process the “injury,” just as it would a physical wound. Understanding where these shame spirals might be coming from (ie: your animal brain, not your rational one) can be oddly comforting. You’re not being dramatic; you’re being human.

But what does that say about bouncing back? I can’t plaster Neosporin and a Band-Aid on an emotional wound. So how do you move on from a setback without giving into shame?

The first step to healing is counter-intuitive: let yourself feel the pain. While you wouldn’t tell someone with a broken arm to embrace the ache, emotional wounds get worse if you try to suppress them, ignore them, or push them away with distraction or drinks. Acknowledge how you feel. Don’t compound the shame by shaming yourself for feeling it. Affirm the validity of your feelings — and confide in a friend or a professional if you need to hear someone else tell you that you’re valid, too. But don’t wallow. There’s a thin line between healthy processing and unhealthy rumination. The difference: one gives you grace, the other hammers down those bad feelings until you start to believe them.

To process emotions healthily, try journaling. My journal has seen me through my worst days — and helped me put them behind me. Some people use the 24 hour rule to put a timeline on their feelings. It goes as follows: give yourself exactly one day to feel all the feelings. Yes, all of them. The anger, the embarrassment, the “I should have done this differently” spiral — let it all out. Order the pizza. Watch the comfort show. Text your best friend those long, dramatic messages. But set a timer on it. When the 24 hours are up, it’s time to shift gears. This doesn’t mean you have to be completely over it (you won’t be), it means you start taking small steps forward. It’s a practical way to draw that line between wallowing and processing.

But even when you’ve decided you’re ready to heal from your setback — no matter the size — sadly, bouncing back isn’t a linear process. The song “Bounce Back” by Big Sean was my anthem in 2017 for its simplistic lyrics: “Last night, took an L but tonight I bounce back.” At the time, I could relate — but I no longer have the physical or emotional stamina of a teenager. So despite my wishful thinking, I’m starting to accept that getting over setbacks takes time, effort, and dedication.

Some days you’ll feel like you’re crushing it, ready to take on the world. Others, you might find yourself deep-diving into your ex’s new girlfriend’s cousin’s Instagram at 2 AM. Both are normal parts of the process. The key isn’t to avoid these moments but to move through them with intention. Think of it like having an emotional first aid kit ready for when life throws its inevitable curveballs.

It’s helpful, on this journey, to have some practical tips and actionable guidelines to reach for when you’re at your lowest. Think of it as a dopamine list for bouncing back. While they won’t all work all the time — like I said, healing is unpredictable — having a toolkit can keep you from spiraling and letting your shame stop you from trying something new or moving on or trying something — or someone — new.

Here’s How To Self-Soothe When Things Don’t Go Your Way

1. Set a Reset Routine

Create a personal reset routine that signals to your brain it’s time to shift into recovery mode. This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending everything’s fine – it’s about regaining the structure that falls away when you feel like a mess. Write down the daily tasks that keep you grounded alongside any to-do’s and schedule them into your day, or even an evening. 

For me, an everything shower makes me feel brand new. So, when I feel bad, I go through every single step of my everything shower — which is normally tedious. Instead, taking this time for myself and going through the motions of a routine grounds me.

I also make a list of chores and errands that will make my space feel refreshed and my life feel like it’s on track. Especially after a day — or four — of wallowing, deep cleaning and reorganizing can transform my home and how I feel in it. Then, of course, I burn candles and Palo Santo to get rid of the negative energy left behind.

For others, it might be a long run, a yoga class, or cooking a complicated dinner that requires full concentration. The actual activities matter less than the intention behind them. You’re not trying to fix everything; you’re creating space for what comes next.

2. Reframe The Setback In Your Mind

I hate the word failure. Not because I fear it, but because there’s a finality to it that doesn’t exist in real life. Think of times you’ve “failed” in the past. Didn’t you learn something from them? Weren’t they part of your journey to this moment, right now? There’s value in every experience, even if it feels negative at the time. And the language you use can make it more valuable, by seeing it as something to learn from, or it can become a mental block.

How you talk about your setback — to yourself and others — shapes how you’ll move through it. This isn’t about slapping a positive spin on everything. It’s about being precise with your language. Did you really “fail at life,” or did you have one presentation that didn’t land? Did you “waste two years” in that relationship, or did you learn important notions about what you want in a partner?

3. Get Excited About Your Comeback Era

Part of what’s so tempting about wallowing in your shame spiral is that it’s easy. It’s easier to beat yourself up than to get back on the proverbial horse. It’s easy to stay where you are then venture into the unknown. But getting excited about the future, and even thinking of your comeback as an “era” can give you something to look forward to.

Kickstart this process by setting yourself up for small wins. Choose one area of your life where you can create immediate, tangible progress. Maybe it’s finally organizing your desktop folders, getting a haircut, or completing a workout. These might seem trivial compared to the larger setback you’re facing, but they serve a purpose: they remind your brain what getting stuff done feels like. They also create momentum for you to build upon.

4. Reach Out For Support

Setbacks can feel isolating. They can also fill you with the urge to hermit and never be seen again. Instead of giving in to it, reach out to your support system. Specifically, reach out to people who give you the exact kind of energy you need while spiraling — whether it’s reassurance or problem solving. Your tough love friend might not be the best choice to call when you’re already beating yourself up.

Try reaching out to:

– The friend who’ll let you vent without trying to fix everything

– The mentor who’s been through similar challenges

– Family members who have seen you through multiple stages and setbacks and believe in your ability to survive and thrive.

5. Play The Long Game

One way to snap yourself out of a spiral is to remember that you didn’t just fall out of a coconut tree, you exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you. That means this setback is just part of the journey, and will be a blip on the radar in time.

If it won’t matter in two weeks, two months, or two years, it’s easier to view your setback as something that doesn’t define you. The goal isn’t to act as if the setback never occurred, but rather to weave it into your story in a way that makes you stronger, not bitter. Many of the most accomplished individuals you know likely achieved their success not in spite of their challenges, but because of the way they chose to respond to them.

Think of each setback as adding texture to your narrative. Perfect, smooth success stories are often boring — and usually fake. The most compelling chapters often start with “I thought this was the worst thing that could happen, but…” The key is to keep taking small steps forward instead of spinning around in circles or spiraling down the drain.