Morning people will never understand.
They are warped, inhuman creatures who can’t wait not to be sleeping anymore so they can get out in the sunlight and the fresh air—grab a quick ten-mile run before work. They will never know what it’s like to be pinned to a mattress by the smothering comfort of a thick blanket.
For those of us who aren’t productivity monsters fueled by “healthy levels” of vitamin D, mornings too often turn into a battle with the bedding. An alarm is not enough to rouse us. The knowledge of mounting obligations—of the urgent need for a shower and a cup of coffee—can’t quite budge a set of limbs swaddled in a nurturing womb of Egyptian cotton. Thoughts of throwing off the bed sheets and dropping our feet to the harsh reality of the floorboards remain frozen in intention while the comatose weight of bodily comfort drags our eyes back beneath their lids.
If we’re lucky, we remembered to hit snooze rather than dismiss. If we’re lucky, we will win that battle against the bedding in time to make it to work—though the war will rage on forever. If we’re lucky, we’ll dig deep and find that reason to get out of bed in the morning, and that will be just enough motivation to throw the blanket to the foot of the bed and launch ourselves vertical. If we’re unlucky…that blanket will be weighted.
Weighted blankets—usually filled with ten to twenty pounds of beads sewn in with the stuffing. have been catching on in the past few years, and everyone who just bought one is dying to sing their praises. “They’re so comfortable!” “It’s like a full-body hug!” What they don’t tell you is the trail of bodies that the weighted blanket industry has left in its wake as this craze has spread—bodies lying under ten percent of their body weight, too relaxed to shed the weighted blanket and get out of bed.
Freakish morning people are strong enough to shoulder the weight of a heavy blanket, along with the ordinary burdens of life. But you are not a morning person. Do you really want to take the risk? Can you take it lying down?
Before you commit to a weighted blanket, ask yourself if you have the spiritual strength to be buried alive beneath a layer of pure, soothing love, then dig yourself out for the privilege of going to work. Think about the last time you had to come clean about some big issue in your life; had to confess some secret shame to someone you really care about. Now imagine you’re half-asleep, and the only weight that must be lifted—the thing you really need to get off your chest—is fifteen pounds of beads sewn inside a quilt. Do you have what it takes? Didn’t think so.
